against all odds

Some words that have been playing in my mind...

self-control, exceed, results, love, charlie, miss, home, work, money, family, happiness, sadness, me, fail, try, patience, success.. and some others. these are just words that are floating through my head right now

i miss my boyfriend. i want to marry him. i want him for me forever. i just want 1 thing that i know is MINE..

Hello, to all you beautiful ladies..
Like Gemma mentioned earlier, all the support i'm seeing here is really cheering me up!
I'm so glad I logged on this morning.. You all are some of the most amazing people i've come across - & it's such a shame we'll never get to actually meet! I'd also like to apologize for not being as supportive as I should be, or as much as I used to be, anyway.. I will change that! Yes Yes ^.^

It seems as if life gets more and more difficult by the day. With all these priorities, responsibilities, and relationships I must keep going.. it's very, very draining. It feels the opposite of what I THINK it should be. Shouldn't life be joyful and happy? I feel like it's just sucking all the energy I have (left) right out of me! I miss the lively girl I once was.. With goals, hope, and a genuine passion for my life. I feel like it's all been shoved out the door - in exchange for (what I now am) negativity, low self-esteem, scratch that- NO self-esteem, poor self image, low confidence.. The list could go on and on but I'd rather not pull you down along with my self-loathing. It's just hard sometimes, when I realize that everything I once had, like my friends, are all fed up and done with me. I don't blame them, I blame myself. It's my fault i'm like this. It's not that I want to be a victim.. O Goodness, Please tell me you understand where i'm coming from.. When will this path become a bit easier. I'm not asking for everything to be handed to me on a silver platter, but damn..

I miss the way things were. When my family once was happy. I miss my old home. I miss my white, flowy canopy bed inside of my rosey pink room. My toys, my dolls, stuffed animals, books.. All of that. And I know those things are just that. THINGS. Material possessions. But just the whole picture. I miss it so much.. And now look where i'm at. I'm 18. A college dropout. No job because i'm too much of a pussy to get out in the real world. People are just so mean.. Even though I know I should be living my life for ME - sometimes people can just be so condescending.. UGH.

In a perfect world.. This is how my life would be. I'd have:
- good health
- proud parents
- good paying job
- college education
- (good) boyfriend
- fixed car
- good friends
- Aaand some more, but I really just can't think of right now.

At the end of the day, I suppose I am responsible for my own life. I'm growing up now and it's just so scary.. Sooner or later I will have to do all of this on my own. I'm scared of failing. Failing myself, my LIFE. I need to get it together, or else i'm just going to sink deeper and deeper into this hell of a hole i've created myself. I can do it. I know I can.. I decide where my life goes, how it goes.. where I end up. I just need to get it into my head that maybe I am worthy of some kind of happiness. Just maybe I am..

since i've posted anything on lj.. mostly because i've been trying to get my shit together lately, yenno?
anyways... getting my shit together has been harder than i'd imagined.
i mean wow... life as an adult is really fucking hard.
just like making that transition from teen years into adulthood is so stressful.

-sighs-

o and i realized something last night..
well, to me anyway.. my eating disorder is like a drug.
sometimes i hate it, but i can't get rid of it..
i can't stop it no matter how much it hurts me..
and what's worse is that i'm so deep in my ed now that i am so confused about my body image.
i seriously have no idea if i'm thin or fat or average or what.
it pisses me off that i go thru all this shit on the inside but i have nothing to show for it in the physical world.

What's up, Brains?
It's 5:10am.. no sleep.
Maybe i'll pop a tylenol pm in a sec.. Head is pound-iingg.
Went out to see my guy friend tonight.. It was cool until the cops ran thru our little spot and told us to "take our asses home"
niiiiice. fucking pigs.
I just realized I haven't eaten anything since like 3pm yesterday, think that's why my head hurts so much..
And I drank on an empty stomach..
I want to go into the kitchen to make some tea right now.. it would *settle* me, but I don't want to wake anybody up..
I should try and get some sleep.. blah.

what you doin..?

i am so not in the mood for food today.
i just want to stay in my room until the day is over.
no leaving. only for water. <3

sadly, today... it'd have to be gluttony and anger.

LORD, HELP ME.

i'm still alive..

blah...

going to take some sleeping pills now.

i think i banged the right side of my head the other (drunk) night because it hurts like a bitch.

GOODNIGHT, EVERYONE <3

Mulan is on right now X)
i love love love this movie.
especially when she sings 'reflections'
"when will my reflection show who i am inside?"
real talk.

Good morning, all! or good afternoon, good evening - whatever.. but it's 9am here, so for me it's good morning. how's everyone doing? i couldn't get to sleep for shit last night. literally spent hours tossing and turning... but hey, what's new? question: does anyone take any sleep meds, not like prescribed or anything, but like tylenol pm or something? something not too extreme. i'm tired of these dark circles under my eyes and i know it's because i'm sleep-deprived. it also sucks because during the day i'm soo low on energy. i need to start working out again, but i feel too fat to go to the gym.. (i'm so clueless- that's WHY people go in the first place.)

i'm supposed to be going out tonight.. probably just to a friend's 'kick-it' kinda thing. get drunk.. and high off something.. most likely..

something ultra-depressing: so remember how i told you i couldn't sleep last night. got up. went outside to smoke a cigarette.. and i was feeling helluv lonely so i went in my phonebook trying to find someone to call. just to call. and say hi. and talk. and conversate. but i literally had no one to call.. like i have no friends anymore.. i know it's my fault tho because i've shut them all out of my life. i don't know how many times my friends tried to reach out to me.. but i just wanted to be alone. i hate being alone now. it sucks. i need friends. i want to be normal again. i'm so lonely in everything i do.. even in the most crowded room, i still feel so terribly lonely.

i need to look for a job tomorrow..
i'm already freaking out.
i don't know where to go =/
i'm so bad with people...
& i just got my eyebrow pierced where the hell am i going to get a job?!
i'm delusional.
still suicidal.
i just want to die.
like a lot now lately.. or cut.. o man the urge to cut is THERE.
i will never be successful
i fail at life...
i just want to go to heaven.

I'm at a point in my life where i'm willing to admit to myself:

I NEED NEW FRIENDS...

sorry I didn't listen, mom =/

today was not successful.
i ate too much.
i keep eating.
like the fat cow that i am...
nothin new.
got kinda drunk last night
& did some coke. i really like coke.
and ex. i know it's bad for you bla bla bla
but it's not like my body isn't already skrewd.
i don't mess around every day, definitely not on the scarface level
just a little wiff hea and thea..
anyways, i'm still pissed about my convertible top..
and really sad. i need to find a job asap, srsly.
it's soo hard right now because the US economy is currently in a rut.
may just end up having to work in fast food.. *head/desk/repeat*
i just want to run away to some foreign country
and live OFF THE FATT'A THE LAAAND! ha. right.
i floseed my teeth for the first time in ages tonight
and i'm going to continue every night..
i think the cleaner my mouth is at night,
the less i'll be tempted to b/p in the middle of the night
which is when i usually do it.
i also think i'm going to start rewarding myself with a mini-binge
ONLY if i've been good during the week.
nothing huge, just a treat.. something to actually look forward to i guess?? hm
well, monday is almost here. another week,
i feel so lonely..
but i know that i need to focus on myself right now..
how i can better myself.
i've noticed that when i get involved with certain people,
my soul gets, like, drained.. i feel like they suck all my energy out
maybe i'm just ultra-sensitive, but i can't escape those feelings sometimes.
i need to start working out again. i'm turning into 1 fat flabby bitch,
and lemme tell ya, it ain't cute *shakes head*

*takes a deep breathe*

i really want some coffee and a cig right now
but i've already brushed/flossed/listerined for the night =(
what's a girl to do?!??!

hope everyone has a great week, and i love alll my girlies <3<3<3

someone slashed the top on my convertible =(

i'm so, so upset..

i would never do something like that to anyone.

I failed miserably today. I ate far too much. Tortilla chips are the devil.

It confuses me, If I am so afraid of gaining weight, why do I eat so much?

I'm gaining weight. I can see it. I can feel it.. man o man can I feel it..

I don't understand myself. I'm just a weak, weak person, with no self-control.

Tyra's on right now.. the show is about women with strange eating habits.. Really strange ones actually; girls eating toilet paper, chalk, and THEIR OWN SCABS. Now that's just gross.

So, i'm going to take a break from posting to the communities for a while. Mostly just brains _omnomnom tho, because I was banned from ProAnorexia a while back.. ima troll. yaa.. okay.
Anyways I feel hella invisible when I post there, so I figure what the hell is the point in posting anymore =( i'll still comment on posts where I think I might be some help..


I just need to get my own shit together. I've been binging like a robot lately. Just sitting around and eating - what the fuck is wrong with me?! I swear.... this is the worst i've been lately. =( too much self-loathing going on here. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. This is ridiculous. I cannot get fat. CANNOT CANNOT CANNOT.

I'm getting ready & my mom left the tv on, Sienfeld is on right now, and the 3 main people were talking about how mean people were to one of them in jr high, and the girl elaine was like.. "...boys are just mean!" & the dude's like "well, what do girls do??"

And she goes: "We Just tease someone until they develop an eating disorder.."

Yeah.

(don't have to read. i just have to get it down so i can SEE it, makes it more official for me.)

Dear Self,
Starting at midnight, you will begin your transformation. You'll live off water, coffee, diet coke, green tea, cigarettes, & gum. (O & cranberry juice ONLY if you feel faint).
You will follow this regimine for as long as you possibly can. Just look at yourself, look how fat you've let yourself get- this is ridiculous! No wonder your boyfriend doesn't return your calls or texts.. Who'd want to be seen with something as hideous as yourself?! So don't be mad at him. Be mad at yourself.. This is your punishment. You are unworthy of food, so don't even think about tip-toeing to the kitchen after everyone else is asleep. You will do this. You will only consume these things: water, coffee, diet coke, green tea, cigarettes, gum, & juice only if you need it. You will do this for as long as you can. Until you feel like you are going to lose it. Until you feel like complete, utter shit. Because that's all you deserve right now! It's begun... starve, fatty starve.

Love,
Me.

I'm such a lonerrr.
Or at least I think of myself as one.
I am slowly beginning to hate being around people.
I wonder if it's just me?hm.
Fasting today, and tomorrow, and sunday.
Because I need to rid this fat that has rudely accumalated on my already ugly body.
I wish I was one of those 'naturally thin' girls..
You know; that girl who can stuff her skinny face
with whatever the hell she wants
& not gain a frreakin Ounce.
I envy those girls.
Instead I am cursed with this
ugly fat gross nasty & very unappealing might I add body..
thisisntme

I need to lose like 30 pounds.
Even then i'll still be one ugly heffer.

ANYWAYS. Another lonely friday..
Just called the boyfriend, who didn't answer.
He took me to the hospital yesterday
then left. When he came to pick me up
(half an hour after I told him to be there)
he brought like 2 of his friends
& they were smoking in the car and shit.
& MY bottle of Grey Goose just magically disappeared
I don't know what happened to it..
Maybe it grew legs, and arms.. because you know
it had to open the door for an escape.
And found another friend to make happy.

So I have a shitty excuse for a boyfriend
a fat body
a loner life
a family that hates me
friends that have all given up on me.

SCORE

IT'S KINDA HARD TO KEEP FAITH
IN THE THINGS THAT YOU DO
WHEN EVERYBODY TURNS THEIR BACK ON YOU.

I've gotten myself a new dp.
It's Gemma Ward..
I am so envious of her beauty.
She's like perfect.
The complete opposite of yours truly, Moi.

I stole a bottle of Hydroxycut from the store yesterday.
I feel pretty pathetic about it but
then again I really don't care.
As long as i'm losing the weight,
that's all that really matters- honestly.

Since i've moved into my grandparents' house,
I suh werr duh gaahd; I am inflating.
Slowly but surely, I am.

I really hate this eating disorder.
I really do.
My boyfriend told me that I have a problem..
or a 'complex'...
Everything I think, do, say, it all comes back to my
dear eating disorder.

I am not strong enough to fight back yet.
I know that one day, I will be.
But not yet.
I'm not good enough
(oxymoron much?!)
to recover yet.

On a ligher note,
I voted for my first time yesterday!
BARACK'D THE VOTE!
Everyone get out there and vote.
If you think your vote doesn't count--
You are sadly mistaken!
Make your voice heard!

So, I'm going to start using that Hydroxycut shit tomorrow.
I used it like a year ago, & it worked.
It better work the 2nd time around.
For I am a helpless, helpless pig..
Desperate for the quick fix..

So quickly fix me up.

"The world will tell you who you are,
Until you tell the world.."

SO, I am officially depressed.
This is a bit of a rant, & I just went through something terrible.
I hadn't seen my 'boyfriend' in about a week.
He hadn't called me, either.
I took it into my own hands today & called him.
He told me that he was busy making moves
(making moves - getting his money)
& that he had been going out to Santa Cruz
with some girls so that they could make the money for him.
I won't sit here and act naive
like I didn't know about the situation,
but I got so pissed off & I started crying on the phone.
He fed me with: "I don't love them, I love you, but money is a big part of my plan."
After going on about it for a minute, he told me to come over.
"I just want to hug you & tell you how much I love you," he said.
"OK, i'll come right now," my dumb ass replied.

-- 1 hour goes by --

So, I arrive at his house.
When we see eachother, we don't smile..
He's up 3 stories on his balcony, looking down at me.
He does what he normally does...
Throws the keys down to me; & I catch them.
I walk up the stairs..
Feeling fatter than ever.

(Now before I tell you what happens next,
let me just mention that I have told my 'boyfriend'
about my eating disorder.)

I arrive at his place,
he already has the door open..
I walk into his living room
He's walking around, hasn't even looked at me yet.
But he knows i'm there..
He turns and looks at me, then my body.
& I already know what he's thinking,
"Damn, this bitch gained weight."
He lets out a little sigh, walks towards me,
No Smile On His Face
& proceeds to hug me.
I hug him back.
He doesn't know it, but i'd been waiting for that moment
for way too long.

First words out of his mouth are, "Hi, Fatty.."
I don't care how he meant it.
I take his keys, throw them across the room
& run down the stairs
ready to fuck a bitch up
I hear him yelling, "What are you doing? What's wrong with you?"
I say nothing. I just run.
As i'm approaching my car, he appears on his balcony..
like a dumbass, he asks, "What are you doin??"
I turn around, look up at him & give him the most evil cold hard look
I can possibly give to anyone.
He goes, "You know what nevermind" & proceeds to throw up the 2.

I hop into my Mustang
& speed off like a mad woman.
He calls me: (yelling) WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU BITCH WHY DID FUCK DID U LEAVE?
me: You know why I left, you had no right to say that! I'm in no mood to hear that shit right now, don't you know that?!
him: MAN BITCH I WAS JUST PLAYING WITH YOU. DON'T CALL MY MUTHAFUCKIN..
me: CLICK.

=(

Have I overreacted? What if he was right, Should I have just laughed it off?
I'm so confused right now. I mean, I know i'm a huge flat blob,
but I didn't want to hear it from my now ex-boyfriend.

to make things just So much better,
when I arrive home, my grandmother is in the kitchen
telling me that her food is ready!
Thanks Grandma.... i'm never fucking eating again.
Then I come into my room
where I can be alone & safe
& whaddya know; they're fucking making
some kind of pastry

I Hate My Life.

use your headphones for it to work properly.
it freaked me out..!